Tag: family

Categories
Most Joking Aside

Steady

Preparing for a wedding can be tricky, even if it’s not yours.

Especially if it’s not yours.

Especially if, to pick a purely and totally hypothetical case, the wedding in question belongs to your daughter, your baby, the one you didn’t just watch grow up, but actually grew up alongside of. The always changing, yet comfortingly consistent part of your adult life.

The preparations are tiring and time consuming. The task oriented part of your brain begins to look forward to the completion your labors, “Just seven weeks to go,” it says.

And the rest of the brain is comforted by the news…until the slower moving emotional part catches on:

That’s when she leaves.

That’s when everything changes.

You remember earlier challenging times: diapers, tantrums, naps, and the fuzzy, unfocused wish for her eventual autonomy.

But as the moment approaches you realize you didn’t mean it. You never meant it.

And you scrape together your sanity for the fifteenth time.

And you play captain to the undisciplined mess of your emotions, calming them with a confident sounding command:

“Steady as she goes boys,

steady as she goes…”

LittleMissOminous

Categories
Commentary Fiction

Nightlife

I entered the establishment off a crowded thoroughfare. The place was dark, only the occasional splash of illumination painting the stark white walls. The scent of teenage aftershave mingled freely through the sparse crowd.

Humor Noir - a first at the Comma

Music, blunt and pulsating, saturated the air like a rhythmic fog, filling every breath, every pore, with barometric waves of insistence.

Its beat was warm and relentless as it slowly worked its way down my spine, following the tangled trajectory of my nervous system.

Imperceptibly at first, I started to twitch and then to sway in an unsettling approximation of rhythm, every moment abandoning myself further to the sound’s harsh demands.

Soon I began to embrace my inner dancer, earnestly shaking what my mother had passed on to me. That’s when I heard it, the strident sound of reality calling from some distant area code.

“Dad! What are you doing?! This is a store. You’re supposed to buy things here.”

Chastened, yet still not free of the music’s hypnotic grasp I stumbled toward the exit, pausing to check a few price tags as a cover for my retreat. I had to squint to make out the numbers in the darkness, but eventually discerned their message. Sticker shock did more than any number of offended offspring to restore me from my senses and propel me to the safety of the waiting mall.

Later, despite the urging of my immediate family, my lawyers assured me that a formal apology would not be required. Nonetheless I have decided to issue the following statement:

“Owners, manager, and employees of Hollister, Inc, have no fear. No matter what the current economic uncertainty holds for you and your overpriced garments, if times get tough be assured that you can always fall back on the nightclub trade.”

-Happy Tuesday.

——

Humor-blogs.com will be happy to take you to the mall. Alltop.com will even buy you an Orange Julius.

Categories
Commentary

Love Letters To A Manly Chunk Of Masculine Authorship

People sometimes ask me how long it takes to write these posts, and I always give the same truthful answer:

Too long.

I really don’t want to boast for more than a couple hundred words or so, but the work of a serious humorist is not easy, it requires persistence, dedication, and obscene quantities of coffee.

And once you make it out of bed, it gets even more challenging.

Anyway, all this laborious authorship tends to take a while, which sometimes tests the patience of my family. Especially since I can be difficult to contact while I am in my writing-trance. In fact, as I consult my pillowed dictionary, and practice my ritual snores, I am often mistaken for being asleep. Which of course is not the case, I am just concentrating.

Very, very deeply.

And frequently, as I return to a more mundane state of consciousness, I will find a communiqué from the lovely and ever gracious Hot Comma Momma, delicately reminding me of my household responsibilities.

Here is a collection of recent correspondence from Her Loyal Hotness:

Honey,
It sounds like that sasquatch got back into the basement again. The kids probably left the window open. Can you take care of it? I left the cattle prod and pepper spray on the kitchen table for you.

Love Always
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
Could you pick up your alien artifacts out of the living room? The girls are coming over tonight to watch some movies. You remember how upset you got last time when Debbie put the onion dip in the trans-dimensional electro-ponder.

Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The auto-cloner is acting up again. It’s putting out a puppy every hour and I’m running out of newspaper. Please see what you can do.

Lots of Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The kids have been telling people that you died in an oil fire again. Perhaps you’re working too hard. Please talk to them. In person this time, no holograms. Remember, these are the days that we will always cherish. Good luck honey.

Love
-HCM

The Sad Family Barely Holding Themsleves Together ~ the Ominous Comma

“We have to be strong. Daddy wouldn’t want us to disgrace his memory by getting all blubbery.”

Honey,
There’s some government-looking men parked in a van outside the house. They’ve been out there all week so today I took them some sandwiches. They’re the nicest surveillance team yet.

So, is there anything you want to tell me?

Waiting Patently
-HCM

You’ll have to excuse me, all this writing has worn me out. I have to go concentrate again.

—–

This post is dosing off over at humor-blogs.com