Author: Brent

Categories
Best of the Comma Commentary

Writing Prompts for the Not-So-Prompt

There comes a time in every blogger’s life when having answered every email, researched every YouTube video, and basically exhausted every imaginable resource, he finds himself1 in the desperate position of actually having to write.

If you are a stranger to the delightful world of wordcraft, perhaps spending your time on more respectable and rewarding occupations like say, Roadside Carcass Removal, you might believe that those who call themselves writers would have long ago resigned themselves to the fact that sooner or later they would be called upon to produce verifiable written material.

You would be wrong.Bratwacker ~ photo courtesy of DangerCouch.com

You see, being a writer is a lot like being a rock star: you are allowed, and even expected to dress funny, hold bizarre and often conflicting opinions, and basically act like an adolescent.

The act of writing, however, is a lot like work.

This is why the great majority of activities undertaken by writers, bloggers, and other content providers are specifically aimed at postponing the moment of creation as long as physically possible.2

However, once all contingencies of denial are exhausted, once the sheltering tissue of fantasy is punctured by the viscously barbed shafts of plummeting deadlines, an author simply has no choice but to buck up and write something.

Even if it is a note explaining why he can’t write.

A handwritten excuse for why the writer can't write

One time-honored tactic used to leverage reluctant writers into literary productivity is the writing prompt, a suggestion or hint used to startle the subconscious into an accidental discharge of useful ideas.

And, due to the kindness and generosity bestowed upon me as licensed internet resource, not to mention the fact that I can’t think of anything else to write, I have decided to share with you three of my most punctual prompts.

Start at the End

Determining how your tale will conclude can provide you, the author, with many useful clues on how to construct your story, such as who’s in it, if they’re me, and if we all end up in Acapulco.

An example of an excellent end-starting is this:

Slowly the blogger rose to the dais, glanced at his notes and began, “ I accept this lifetime blog achievement award, with generous cash prize, in the field of humorous quasi-fiction in name of all part-time writers, frustrated comics, and overlooked luminaries everywhere.”

The crowd combusted in an endless thunderclap of applause. As he returned to his seat he grinned a thoughtful little grin, Now I can afford that species change operation.

Start in the Middle

Just because many good stories begin in the middle doesn’t mean that yours can’t start there too. Jump right into the action. Boring chores like introduction and conclusion can be handled with flashbacks and time travel.

A modestly awesome example of this technique is:

So there I was surrounded by a ring of angry Pomeranians, their harsh growls rumbling like a thousand tiny leaf-blowers. Slowly they inched their way forward, constricting the circle around me step by step. Desperately, I searched my pockets for any shred of hope.
Coming up with lint, a gum wrapper and– A rush of excitement coursed through my limbic system– the enchanted chew toy!

Start at the Beginning

Starting at the beginning, while endorsed by many grammar schools and other educational afflictions, is in fact the surest sign of a true amateur. However, if you are feeling nostalgic for the heady days of young writing-love and its baseless optimism, feel free to revisit this technique. You will of course require a strong opening line, something that firmly grasps the reader‘s attention if not his entire nervous system.

Something like:

Of all the flatulence that has escaped all the colons in all the world, why did this one have to come from mine?

That’s It

explodetypewriter.gif courtesy of graph.slndesignstudio.comThere’s no time like the present to write, unless of course there is new material up at homestarunner.com. Or fresh road kill on the turnpike.

Keep those keys clicking and remember: when you fail to write, you only write to fail…to write…or something.

For more practical writing advice, see the fine folks at humorblogging.com

  1. I will be sticking with the masculine pronoun for the duration of this piece, not from any chauvinism or disrespect for female writers, but because in this case “the writer” is a thinly veiled reference to myself, a man of unquestionable maleness. ↩
  2. The true reason that most writers have migrated from typewriters to computers is not because of the fancy formatting options and spell checkers available with modern software, but mainly due to the fact that typewriters had crummy games. ↩

Categories
Adventures of the Author

Education Is Wasted On The Young

Although I would never mention it, I am in fact something of a celebrity.

The extent of my fame is not always obvious to the causal observer, mainly due to the surprising restraint shown by my admirers in open areas, but in the enhanced proximity of an enclosed space, their distinctly fanatical character is revealed. In fact, it is a rare occasion that I can slip away from a restaurant, doctor’s office, or even a speed trap without some stern, often uniformed fan demanding my autograph on the bill.

But, like many other newly-minted luminaries, news of my social elevation has been slow to travel home.

Of course I’m not referring to the members of my immediate family, who extract paychecks, extort allowances, and otherwise allow me to house and feed them with the appropriate sense of reverence and awe due a man of my standing. No, I am talking about my childhood friends.

It may surprise you to know that as a young man, I indeed had friends…

It may surprise you to know that as a young man, I indeed had friends, and that I did not have to financially compensate them in any way for the pleasure of my company. It may also surprise you to know that even today a statistically improbable number of comment-dispensing Comma readers are former high school associates of mine.

What always surprises me, however, is how these longtime aficionados of my “work” are also the quickest ones to point out any hypothetical failings I may possess as an author, fearlessly critiquing my often-thought unassailable humor technique.

They are also impressively speedy to call upon the Hot Comma Momma, by far the friendliest of my high school acquaintances, for reinforcement in any comment section battle of wits they might find themselves decidedly not winning.

You can tell these “friends” of mine primarily by the bold way they deliver their jabs and slights to my authorly self, here at the very heart of my Ominous empire. They think nothing of harassing me, providing violent ego-decompression, or even comparing my carefully cultivated Surrealistic Lyricism style of Artistic Blogging to a juvenile round of Mad-Libs.

Along with droves of other internet humor connoisseurs, you might wonder how these spectators from my past could possibly find fault in an artist of my stature.1 I often ponder this mystery myself, and the only conclusion I have come up with so far is that somehow my former educational associates still see me like this:

Late Eighties Brent

The Young and the Clueless

Instead of this, the towering bloggeranaut I have become:.

BrentDiggsBuff

The Veins of Our Lives

So as a service to those of you whose mental picture of me is painfully lodged somewhere in the late eighties, I have generously arranged this opportunity for you to get with the program. It is a simple, three step program, consisting of the following tasks: halt your mockery, acknowledge my manly accomplishments, and tremble.

Those readers as of yet not trembling are clearly approaching the forgetful stage of their chronological advancement. So for the benefit of these semi-senile individuals, I have provided this handy Accomplishment Reference for your trembling convenience:

  • I write the Ominous Comma, hailed by critics as “the most inventive and un-credible blog ever to be named after punctuation.”2
  • I have a full head of my own original hair.
  • I arose from my bed this morning unaided, narrowly escaping the clutches of gravity.
  • Did I mention the Comma?

For anyone who may have already forgotten the purpose of the preceding highly impressive list, here is a reminder, in large, bi-focal friendly print.

Halt
Acknowledge
Tremble

Alright my readers, it is now your turn to wax reflective. If you went to school with the author, if you went to school with people, or if you in any way participated in the educational process,3 please send your memories, pictures, anecdotes, or anything else likely to embarrass you to this fine publication via the comment boxes securely mounted at the bottom of this post.

Our usual $72 dollar entry fee has been waived in order that even the most starvingly artistic, as well as the merely unemployed, can participate in what is sure to be painful spill down memory lane.

Let get remembering, people. While you still can.

—-
This post has seen better days over at humor-blogs.com

  1. It is a well known fact that 73 inches is the height of artistic perfection. That is why so many aspiring artists invest in platform shoes. ↩
  2. Yes, I made that up. But genuine, unfabricated praise for this site does surprisingly exist and can be found here. ↩
  3. Military and obedience schools included. ↩

Categories
Best of the Comma Commentary

Six Ways to Fight Terrorism Using Only A Necktie

In today’s uncertain political climate, with the threat of terrorism coming in a wide spectrum of designer colors, it is more important than ever to be prepared for any eventuality. That’s why top experts like myself recommend never leaving your home without the safety and security of a properly worn necktie.1

A painfully tacky necktie that would send any terrorist into a quivering panic

Threat Level: Tacky

Although not widely known outside anti-terrorism-expert circles, the basic department store necktie is one of the best methods for combating terror and keeping the homeland in a most tranquil state of security.

My research, based on a careful and exhaustive review of action movies I’ve seen over the last ten years, shows that with courage, determination, and a convenient backstory of elite military training, even the most mundane looking individual can single-handedly save the world from the clutches of villainy.

So as yet another service of this surprisingly responsible publication, here is a list of ways that you can use your very own necktie to thwart the minions of terror:

As a Headband
Transitioning your neck-tie to headband position is the first step in any terror-stopping plan of action. It is the time-honored and chivalrous way to inform terrorists in the area that you don’t intend to calmly sit back and be savaged by their insidious box knives and nail clippers, but are quite willing to destroy half a city in order to ensure their destruction.

As a Sling
Since ancient times, the sling has been the preferred weapon for bringing down overpowering insurgent foes. To activate the latent tactical properties of your tie, follow the following instructions:

  • Find a stone or other small, dense object and place it in the center of your tie while holding both ends with the other hand.
  • Whip your stone/tie combination in circles above your head.
  • Once you are dizzy and out of breath, release one end of the tie and watch your flying stone incapacitate the enemies of freedom, or possibly the windows of freedom, depending upon you level of hand-eye-wrist-elbow coordination.

This technique is an invaluable way to subdue any forces of terror you may encounter at rock gardens, driving ranges, or any other location graced with ready supply of projectiles.

As a Firebomb Fuse
Although primarily known as an insurgent’s weapon, the Molotov Cocktail can prove useful for patriots as well. When fighting homeland-security threats in bars and liquor stores, insert your tie into a full bottle of high-proof alcohol, light your improvised fuse, and throw.

For best results, remove tie before activation.

As a Teardrop Absorber
In the course of your anti-terror heroics, you are bound to meet an overwhelmed and attractive member of the opposite sex, tearfully awaiting rescue by a intrepid insurgent-stopper like yourself. Use your tie to wipe away their tears and win their heart forever. With any luck, the two of you will hit it off and produce the next generation of freedom fighters.

As an Improvised Towel Fight Implement
The nightmare scenario of every counter-terror specialist is to be caught unarmed in a locker room by evil, towel-wielding insurgents. If you find yourself trapped in such a towel-fight of terror, simply remove your tie and snap away at any and all threats to the homeland.

Wetting the business end of your tie with saliva, or even the tears of your new soul-mate, will give best results and allow you to raise some serious Freedom Welts on the insurgently unwashed hides of your adversaries.

As a Hot Pad
As a good patriot, there is no telling when you may be called upon to remove Freedom Baked Potatoes from a hot oven for some important ceremonial function. Don’t let our enemies get the upper hand simply because you lack hot pads for this important task; use your neck-tie to safely transfer the golden tubers of liberty to the plates of waiting dignitaries and ensure freedom for one more day.

potatowithflag.gif

As we’ve seen, nothing stands between the threat of imminent terror and our beloved homeland except you and your wardrobe.2

So be alert, avoid suspicious establishments like Terror R US, and whatever you do, dress defensively.

—–

This post is doing due diligence at humor-blogs.com

  1. Ladies, don’t think this fine, military-grade advice applies only to men. This is the 21st century and there is nothing stopping you from acquiring and attiring your very own freedom tie. The author has gone to great pronounal difficulty to render this article both gender and pH neutral, in order to ensure that each and every patriot clearly understands his/her/hiser/heris responsibility for homeland protection. ↩

  2. “Wardrobe,” in this instance refers to the American usage of the word, meaning, “entire collection of clothing,” not the British usage meaning, “large wooden locker-thing we have to use because we forgot to build closets.”

    The only practical defense application for wardrobes of the second sort is to shove them in front of the door, or travel through them to a safer dimension populated by lions, minotaurs, and seriously agitated, PMS-ing magic-chicks. ↩

Categories
Commentary

Love Letters To A Manly Chunk Of Masculine Authorship

People sometimes ask me how long it takes to write these posts, and I always give the same truthful answer:

Too long.

I really don’t want to boast for more than a couple hundred words or so, but the work of a serious humorist is not easy, it requires persistence, dedication, and obscene quantities of coffee.

And once you make it out of bed, it gets even more challenging.

Anyway, all this laborious authorship tends to take a while, which sometimes tests the patience of my family. Especially since I can be difficult to contact while I am in my writing-trance. In fact, as I consult my pillowed dictionary, and practice my ritual snores, I am often mistaken for being asleep. Which of course is not the case, I am just concentrating.

Very, very deeply.

And frequently, as I return to a more mundane state of consciousness, I will find a communiqué from the lovely and ever gracious Hot Comma Momma, delicately reminding me of my household responsibilities.

Here is a collection of recent correspondence from Her Loyal Hotness:

Honey,
It sounds like that sasquatch got back into the basement again. The kids probably left the window open. Can you take care of it? I left the cattle prod and pepper spray on the kitchen table for you.

Love Always
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
Could you pick up your alien artifacts out of the living room? The girls are coming over tonight to watch some movies. You remember how upset you got last time when Debbie put the onion dip in the trans-dimensional electro-ponder.

Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The auto-cloner is acting up again. It’s putting out a puppy every hour and I’m running out of newspaper. Please see what you can do.

Lots of Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The kids have been telling people that you died in an oil fire again. Perhaps you’re working too hard. Please talk to them. In person this time, no holograms. Remember, these are the days that we will always cherish. Good luck honey.

Love
-HCM

The Sad Family Barely Holding Themsleves Together ~ the Ominous Comma

“We have to be strong. Daddy wouldn’t want us to disgrace his memory by getting all blubbery.”

Honey,
There’s some government-looking men parked in a van outside the house. They’ve been out there all week so today I took them some sandwiches. They’re the nicest surveillance team yet.

So, is there anything you want to tell me?

Waiting Patently
-HCM

You’ll have to excuse me, all this writing has worn me out. I have to go concentrate again.

—–

This post is dosing off over at humor-blogs.com

Categories
Adventures of the Author

Annual Festival of Jarhead Inebriation

Tomorrow is November 10th also known as the Annual Festival of Jarhead Inebriation.

As such, thousand of Marines will lift a glass or twelve to celebrate the 229th birthday of the United States Marine Corps. Barking noises and random vowel sounds will probably also be uttered, in a time-honored expression of otherwise inexpressible maritime delight.

marine-corp-keg.jpg

Those that feel that public and prolonged drunkenness may not be the most appropriate way to celebrate such an advanced age are not necessarily naïve. They are simply unaware of the finer points of Marine Corps history.

The illustrious United States Marine Corps, like many other fine militant organizations, was formed in a bar. Early job qualification included surliness of demeanor, advanced degree of pistitude, and propensity for standing in harm’s way. Being musket-proof was also considered a great advantage, but not one widely tested outside of battle.

The duties of the early jarheads included guarding the ship’s captain, enforcing the orders of the ships’ captain, striking terror into people not currently the ship’s captain and keeping their boots shiny.

You won’t find it in many history books, but if there is one thing that I learned from my many military adventures, it is that nothing strikes terror into the heart of an enemy like a mean pair of shiny boots.

At this point, some of the more thorough-thinking readers will not doubt be asking, “Why wear such a nicely camouflaged uniform as modern Marines do, if you’re just going to polish your footwear to the point that it could serve as speed-laced solar reflectors?”

Allow me to assure you, from personal experience, that questions of this nature are basically unappreciated by Marine Corps hierarchy. In fact, questions exceeding “How high?” in word count and level of abstraction are generally frowned upon.

marines.jpg

“Why?!!! Did I hear the word why emerge from your lips?!!!”

What is not frowned upon is promptness and punctuality. One tenet of Marine Corps doctrine is that, “Being on time is being late. You should be at least 15 minutes early to everything.”

This is exactly the sort of thinking that led to the U.S. Marine Corps to be founded a solid year before the county itself. Which basically confused everyone:

Early Civilian: What are you doing?
Early Jarhead: Defending the country.
Early Civilian: But it’s only 1775, we’re still British colonies.
Early Jarhead: It’s called being proactive!
Early Civilian: Oh. (slowly backing away, being careful not to make any sudden or threatening movements.)

This very same proactivity is alive and sounding-off in today’s 21st century Marine Corps, and is no doubt being used somewhere at this very moment to justify an early commencement of Birthday festivities.

So as leathernecks far and wide promptly embark upon this fine celebratory debauch, I have only one piece of advice for you:

Keep both hands on your refreshing beverage, especially once the dancing starts. You wouldn’t want to spill it on your boots.

This post can be found happily marching across humor-blogs.com

Categories
Fiction

Superhero Profile – The Implausible Spoonerine

Lackladdy G. Ferggusson was known by friends and acquaintances as a lifelong chronic underachiever, but after an inexplicable radioactive silverware accident gave him super-spooning ability, nothing really changed.

The Implausible Spoonerine 1 ~ the Ominous Comma

Prodded by his mother into hero work as a way of getting him out of the house, Spoonerine found his superpower niche battling semi-liquid villains like the Stenchifying Sludge and the Perfidious Pee-Soup.

Life was looking like an easy victory for Spoony until he met his match against the perplexing might of the Enjiggelating JelloTron, who proceeded to spank his superheroic hind-quarters like a kryponite ping-pong paddle. After that, Spoonerine went into a deep depression.

“Life was dark and suffocating for me,” Spoony later told reporters about that tragic time, “I might have never found my way out if my mom hadn’t pulled off the covers and kicked me out of bed. She put me back on the path of near responsibility.”

Spoonerine snapped back into action, ready to put a hurt on JelloTron only to discover that the villain had taken an early retirement in the Cayman Islands with his ill-gotten gains.

“You can’t really extradite people from there,” Spoonerine was quoted as saying, “the place is crawling with fired CEOs, unscrupulous lawyers, and vacationing politicians. They had an injunction waiting for me before I could get off the plane.”

The Implausible Spoonerine 2 ~ the Ominous Comma

Giving up on his former nemesis, Spoony turned to acting. He was offered a reality television show, Microwaving with the Almost Famous until a scandal broke over an ill-advised advertisement he had done for Tarnex fifteen years prior.

“I was really excited about that show, we had even licensed that song by Soundgarden for the theme. I really love that song. I hope I get to do another show just so I can use it.”

Spoonerine now spends his time fighting crime, doing accounting and waiting for a shot at one of the major superhero organizations like the Justice League or the Avengers.

Currently he serves as adjunct-sidekick for the farm league club the Bore-o-fying BenchBuddies.

This post is putting electric shavers inside apples to hand out over at humor-blogs.com.