Author: Brent

Categories
Satire

Webster’s To Reclassify ‘Nuclear’ As Two Syllable Word

News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News

Cleveland- Dictionary publisher Webster’s Inc. today announced that it will reclassify ‘nuclear’ as a two syllable word. Company owner, John Q. Webster, great grandson of original dictionary author Nathaniel Webster, said that the move was “natural and logical, in keeping with popular usage, and in no way connected with the large number of armed men occupying our office.”

When asked about extensive homeland security investigations and warrantless wiretaps aimed at the company in recent months, White House officials said that although they could not give specifics, they were following definite connections with al-Quaeda, Weight Watchers and other terrorist organizations and that any intimidating effects felt by Webster’s were purely coincidental.

This report brought to you by:

The Association of Ill Informed Angry Persons
“Who needs facts when you’ve got rage.”

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Categories
Fiction

Instigative Journalist Makes News for Over Twenty Years

An interview with Herman Fording, former journalist for the Dissociated Press.
Featured in Superstar Journalist Illustrated.
Reprinted without permission.

Herman Fording is a legend in the journalism community, famous for delivering the goods on some of the most unusual and confusing stories of the last twenty years. When the World Monetary Tracking Computer Network crashed, Fording was there. When Jane Fonda put her hat in the ring for the ‘88 presidential election, Fording was there. When the last known strain of so-called ‘buffalo-pocks’ bacteria disappeared from Los Alamos and the first new outbreak in a century was recorded, Fording was there.

Now Fording is here with me, in a small greasy diner that gives the every appearance of being constructed exclusively for furtive exchanges of spies, reporters, and cholesterol salesmen. In this most appropriate setting we begin our interview.

Star Power

Fording deep undercover with 80’s heavy metal / motocross group, Berms and Perms, days before their now infamous ‘Eat my Dust’ world tour.

Continue reading “Instigative Journalist Makes News for Over Twenty Years”

Categories
Satire

CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint

News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News

Chicago- Dynateknomatic CEO, Lance Corpuscle, resigned yesterday after holding the job for a little over forty-five minutes. He is scheduled to receive a $210 million severance package for what a Dynateknomatic spokesman called “his long commitment to this company.”

In a prepared statement this morning Corpuscle said “Even before I took the job, I was committed to the goals, traditions and large executive compensations of this company. It is truly a leader in its chosen field of doing whatever it is that it does”

In response to critics who contend that Corpuscle never executed anything during his brief tenure at the company, Dynateknomatic released a statement as well, stating that “A CEO’s very presence at a company emits strong leadership, lulls investors, and calms troubled markets. In this capacity, Mr. Corpuscle has added substantial value to this company.”

Corpuscle’s departure follows the two week reign of previous chief executive, John Capital. He will be replaced by James Newwhipple, current VP in charge of government subsidies. Newwhipple has also released a statement stating that his first task as CEO will be to track down where all the prepared statements go after being released, and also to discover the source of Dynateknomatic’s record-setting unprofitably.

This report has been brought to you by:

The Pan-Atlantic Commission on Global Flatulence
“Clearing the air on personal emissions since 2001”

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