Category: Commentary

Crime is rampant, very rampant, even people who have never once used the word rampant, much less several times in the same sentence, agree that if anything was ever rampant; it is most definitely crime today. Many criminals I know have been forced to hang up their masks and guns and find work as corporate executives because the competition on the street is so fierce.

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema…

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema, I’m not really sure. What is clear to me though, is that the American people urgently need a written guide to surviving an attempted mugging. One that is carefully researched and well thought-out, containing expert advice and colorful illustrations.

However, I certainly did not become a writer to do something that labor intensive, so instead I cobbled together the following impressive sounding yet thoroughly untested strategies, perfect for anyone who may find themselves in a potential mugging situation.

1. Run.
This is where your wise decision to quit smoking, exercise everyday, and always wear sensible shoes really pays off. Both of you should easily escape. Everyone else had better keep reading.

2. Call for backup.
For this to work well, it helps to have a radio. And friends. For best results, make sure your friends are large, heavily armed and waiting in an van nearby.

3. Summon a ninja.
As documented in numerous studies, there is nothing like a helpful ninja to even the odds and tap the proverbial keg of butt-kickery.

4. Transform into a werewolf.
If you have any lycanthropic tendencies, now is the time to explore them.

5. Commence projectile vomiting.
Aim high. The goal is to trigger a cascade regurgitation, in which each gagging mugger will inspire a similar hurling in his associates on either side, who with any luck will motivate the ruffians near them to equally amazing feats of upchuckfulness. If done properly, this vicious cycle can continue indefinitely or until all criminal stomach contents have been expelled.

Be sure to factor in your dry cleaning bill when considering this option.

6. Insult the muggers’ mothers.
This probably won’t help, but will make for a great story. If you survive.

7. Use Hypnosis.
Wave your wallet or purse rhythmically while repeating key phrases like, “Your weapons are very relaxed” or “Your ears are getting hairy.” While under hypnosis, your muggers can be programmed to give up their lives of crime, to turn themselves in, or at the very least to stop biting their nails. It should be noted that this technique is only effective if your would-be felons have not preprogrammed themselves with anti-hypnotic hypnosis.

8. Develop multiple personalities.
Make sure they all know karate.

9. Unleash the raging fury of PMS.
This strategy works best for those with the foresight to be female.

10. Fling poop.
This technique always works well for monkeys, and at this point you really don’t have anything to lose by trying. Be sure to move quickly though, because an experienced mugger will know what you are up to as soon as you reach into your skivvies.

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Yes friends, crime is bad. It clings to our communities like a persistent shower fungus, it clogs our courts like rancid bacon grease, it turns the stomach like a bad simile. But as we have seen, with a few basic skills and a generous health plan, you too can prevail over even the most fearsome workers of iniquity and emerge victorious, with your head held high, preferably with both hands.