Tag: humor

Categories
Commentary

How to Survive in Business

If you’re young, or merely masochistic, you may be considering a career in corporate America.

In light of the self-destructive nature of this decision, you would be right to wonder, “Am I stupid? What if I’m not smart enough to make it in the corporate world?”

If you suffer these misgivings, you are definitely over-thinking the situation, which is a habit you will have to cease if you are to succeed in a hierarchical organization.

The truth is that although some individuals are too smart to participate in corporate life, very few people are too stupid to receive admission into the hallowed halls of business.

How do these less than stellar intellectual performers survive life in the cubical farm?

They fake it, and you can too.

That’s right, with proper training and guidance, you too can simulate sufficient levels of intelligence to begin your journey to the exciting quagmire of middle management.

This is where my good friend (cough, couch, where’s my check) Karl Wolfbrooks Ager can help. At his site Faking Smart you can learn the skills you need to appear capable, competent and promotion-worthy.

Simply soak up his sage advice and before you know it you’ll be looking and acting smarter than you even realize.

What are you waiting for, all the manifold joys of the burgeoning business bureaucracy await you.

Act now.

Faking Smart is proudly banned bannered at humor-blogs.com

——-

The previous is an unpaid promotion, based on my enjoyment of the Faking Smart blog.

But, if you are in the market to have some hyperbole-rich copy written for publication elsewhere, I would be happy to take your money.

Delighted, in fact.

Categories
Commentary

Humoron Shortage Hits U.S. Writers

Yesterday, I was visited by representatives of the Department of Humor Security. It seems that there is humoron1 shortage and I have be asked, in a spirit of community patriotism, to stop wasting vital humor resources on projects as trivial as this blog. Apparently my humble attempts at humor are draining the inter-dimensional supply of ridiculousity required by the government for its continued operation.

Department of Humor Security monitoring station - Humoron division

“As you can see sir, the problem is located here at the Ominous Comma North American Headquarters.”

As it was explained to me, the government uses currents of humoron flux to infuse its hierarchy with a continuing supply of apathy and insensitivity required for efficient government service. This of course creates huge volumes of irony, perfect for sharing with the world. Unfortunately, tapping into this irony somehow short circuits the whole operation, and in the process make everyone involved look really silly.

I had always considered any silliness, or lack thereof, in an individual’s appearance to be a personal problem, to solved by the proper application of whatever level of intelligence each individual is gifted with. However, since many organization are specifically designed to bypass the native intelligence of their members, my approach is often considered a threat, frequently answered with violence, intimidation, and torturously bad elevator music delivered over long periods of telephone “hold time.”

After several hours of low-quality government-issue jokes, the agents let me off with a stern warning, threatening the worst from federal auditors and proctologists if I did not restrict my writing to only the most serious of matters, avoiding all levity, mockery, and mirth.

Department of Humor Security rapid response unit - Humoron One

“Remember men, Don’t fire until you hear the click of his keyboard.”

I have no idea what I will do. If I stop being funny I could lose my audience, not to mention my coveted listing on humor-blogs.com.

Clearly, there is no easy path from here, but I will keep all both of you posted about any late breaking news in this exciting story.

Mysteriously listed among some funny writers at humor-blogs.com

  1. Sub-atomic particles of humor energy. Although not quite technically proven, their existence would explain a lot about the present ridiculous state of the world, as well as giving clues to understanding past and future states of planetary ridiculousness. Discover the humorons role in intelligent humor here. ↩

Categories
Fiction

Say – From Docotor Harold Toboggans

Today’s demonstration of tact:

Doctor Harold Toboggans witty humor and funny psychology snarking

“I wouldn’t say you’re stupid,
but I would definitely think it.”

—-

Next session: Technique
Previous session: Relapse
Learn more about Dr. Toboggans and his snarktasticly funny psychology.

Another service of the Ominous Comma, the first, middle1, and last name in intelligent humor.

  1. Use of the middle name does not necessarily constitute parental disciplinary measures, but it is strongly implied. ↩

Categories
Fiction

Cetaceans Strike Back – Terror From the Deep

The Fording Report
Instigative journalism from Harold Fording – Presented by Dissociated Press

I have for you today a story so unexpected, so shocking, so absolutely Pulitzer-worthy, that I barely have to time to write it because of all the hours I am putting in on my award acceptance speech.

It’s not just a scoop, it’s an industrial earth-mover of a story, complete with hard-hats, cat-calls, and other hyphenated accessories.

The entire world has been aghast at certain, fairly recent developments in California’s Sacramento River, namely the unexpected presence of two Humpback whales in it. Scientists, whale watchers, and environmentalists alike have all been at a loss to explain this directional mishap, but in one of my regular displays of journalistic superiority I have uncovered the full story.

For hundred if not thousands of years, whales have been faced with countless human-devised threats to their well-being, including but not limited to: rising ocean temperatures, the whaling industry, and Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. For countless years whales have faced these threats with resignation and pacifism, but recently things have changed under the sea.

Whales are fighting back.

whale1.gif

For so long have humans have enjoyed their “mastery” of the seas that no one recognized the threat at first.

A mechanical difficulty here, a grounded ship there, even a even the “unexplained” fire on the whaling ship Nisshin Maru where not recognized for what they were: a whale counterstrike.

And with the discovery of cetacean operatives moving upriver towards California’s vulnerable interior, there can be no doubt that we are witnessing the beginning of a new phase of inter-species combat.

Fortunately, I was able to reveal their destructive purposes before they had a chance to reek any havoc on the Sunshine State.

Now, with their mission compromised by hard hitting journalism, the wary whales have disappeared as unexpectedly as they arrived, eluding marine biologists, port authorities, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose presence, although not actually near the incident, was enough to send the aquatic terrorists swimming for their autograph books.

arnie_terminator.jpg

Although things seem quiet for now, I don’t think we have heard the last from these dangerous denizens of the deep.

As always, this is Herman Fording with the second-half of the rest of the extended version of the whole story.

Click here for Herman Fording’s next award-leeching feature:
Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket
–
Or see Fording’s previous effort at newsworthiness click here:
Simply Stunning Examples of Sensational Headlines

Categories
Adventures of the Author

Intelligent Humor for the Enlightened Masses

I have been reading up on Search Engine Optimization lately and my research has inspired me to try and clarify the focus and purpose of the Ominous Comma, in the hope of reaching a greater percentage of my internet neighbors with the glad tidings of my existence.

Regular readers will have already grasped the humorous intent of these pages, but since my presentation is often very highbrow and almost always very, very, very dry, causal observers, may they be human or search engine, may not immediately grasp the point of all this Very Exciting Nonsense.

Some people would say that the problem lay in my Search Optimization skills. Those people would be wrong. The real problem is this: Google is an idiot.

Regular readers may also recall a similar effort a few months ago, namely my spectacular sellout, in which I boldly inserted the world ’humor’ into my subtitle in a valiant attempt to garner more attention for this site. Search engines however, seem to have no respect for effort, and the exhaustive restructuring of nearly a dozen letter in my top- part- header- thingy has so far brought me very little in the way of visitors. Some people would say that the problem lay in my Search Optimization skills. Those people would be wrong. The real problem is this: Google is an idiot.

Google fails at intelligent humor search

I know that those who lovingly pour over these pages are not used to such harsh language, and if I suspected that Google Search had been dropped on its head as an infant algorithm, I would be much more delicate with my words. But what else can I say about any so-called program, the result of hundreds of thousand of hours of loving devotion and nurture, that cannot grasp the exuberant joy and articulate humor of this publication?

So with apologies in advance to all my subscribers and other loyal constituents of this blog, I am going to attempt to explain what the Ominous Comma is all about, using small keywords so any non-corporeal visitors can follow along.

The Ominous Comma is about humor, intelligent humor,1 humor that launches itself from the shining phosphors of your monitor and grabs you by the cerebellum, wringing the laughter from the irony centers of the brain like an over-filled sponge.

Humor that takes no prisoners, that is unafraid to fill articles, take occasional plunges into satire, and even lightly caresses the cheek of politics.

Humor that is proud of the term humor and is not considering a name change to Funny, Witty, or Mildly Jovial.

Humor that doesn’t have time for celebrities or reality TV because it is still in college even though its synapses have advanced far beyond what are normally considered the Learning Years.

Humor whose wife frequents these pages and therefore cannot resort to boobies and bikinis to bring in traffic but must actually write essays and articles to attract the masses.

That kind of humor.

To further clarify and annoy, I will give a brief list of my influences to help you determine whether or not you have found the right Internet Humor Provider for you.

Douglas Adams
Steven Wright
Anyone able to use the word “scrumbly” in a sentence.
The Far Side
Dilbert.
Danger Mouse
Anyone receiving a mandatory sentence for using the word “scrumbly.”
Monty Python
Oscar Wilde
Invader Zim
Voltaire
The Scumbly Scrumblers of Scrumblitude.
Danger Couch
The Peter Principle by Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull.
Dave Berry

I think that about covers it. Remember, if you are looking for political diatribe you are at the wrong site. Similarly if you thirst for gossip or computer tech stuff, you are not going to find much of that here. All you are going to find here is the funniest stuff that anyone has ever written.

Just as long as you define anyone as me.

  1. If you are not intelligent, I am sorry but I am going to have to ask you to stop reading right now. If you are illiterate, I need you to stop staring at the screen pretending to read. Go loiter somewhere else.

    Sorry, rules are rules. ↩

Categories
Adventures of the Author Best of the Comma

Interview with the Author

Final exams are over and I have successfully passed my classes. (Yeaaa!) I am trying to get back into the swing of professional humor production, so be looking for a good article on Monday.

In the meantime, I have set up a little question and answer session with my tired and somewhat surly self to discuss this whole period of agony I have just completed. If that seems a little schizophrenic to you, then you are clearly not acquainted with the usual proceedings of this site.

The Interview:

Fictional Interviewer: For the sake of any readers just tuning in, I am talking with Brent Diggs, the author of this blog. Mr. Diggs, do you mind if I ask you a few questions.

ME: Go right ahead.

FI: First of all, you are in college.

ME: Is that a question or a statement?

FI: A question.

ME: I mean, if you want to tell the story for me, that’s fine. I’ll just be over here taking a little nap.

FI: No, it’s definitely a question. One for you to answer.

ME: So should I answer it?

FI: Please!

ME: Yes, I am in college.

FI: And your wife is also in college?

ME: Yes again.

FI: So you’re both in college?

ME: Your firm grasp of the obvious is spellbinding.

FI: And you both work full time?

ME: That‘s correct.

FI: And the two of you are raising three kids?

ME: Is this what investigative reporting looks like? I thought it would be taller.

FI: Answer the question, please.

ME: Yes, three kids I have. (Extra points for using Yoda-speak.)

FI: And you publish two different blogs?

ME: Yes.

FI: Why?

ME: What?

FI: Why would you do that to yourself? Work. School. Writing. Are you masochistic or just plain stupid?

ME: Have you ever been shot during an interview? Because if this is an example of your finest work, you might consider wearing Kevlar underwear.

FI: I wouldn’t have to ask all these questions if you would tell us more about your life and family in your blogs.

ME: I just never set out to write a “blog,” I really just wanted a place to publish my stories and articles and give me a reason to write more of them. I figure the whole Write About my Daily Life thing is pretty much covered.

FI: But you have no problem talking about your life to an imaginary character?

ME: You would do well to keep in mind that imaginary characters can come to very unpleasant, imaginary ends. It happens all the time. Just read Stephen King.

FI: Right! So, what did you miss most during this “season of fire” that you just emerged from?

ME: My wife.

FI: What did you miss second most?

ME: Sleep.

FI: Do you have any plans, now that you are out of class?

ME: I thought I would sleep with my wife. I seem to recall that I enjoyed that.

FI: So is there anything else we should know about? Any other creative projects that you’ve been working on? Anything involving tic-tac poisoning perhaps?

ME: Yes, we are finishing up the Danger Couch DVD, and yes, during some last minute filming over the weekend, I did ingest enough tic-tacs to freshen the breaths of an entire garlic-chugging football team for the next 3 years, along with their cheerleaders, mascot and the complete coaching staff.

FI: And how did that make you feel?

ME: Nauseous.

FI: Anything else we should know?

ME: The DVD is almost done. It is tantalizingly close. It has taken much longer than expected, but it will also be much better than expected. Children will laugh, romantics will cry and the jaded will giggle. It just might bring about world peace.

FI: Do you really think a DVD could usher in world peace?

ME: Not really, but if it does we will definitely charge more for it.

FI: Thank you for the interview, Brent. For the Imaginary News Network this is…Hey, you never gave me a name.

ME: I know. Good-bye.

Have a great weekend everyone. See you Monday.