Tag: economy+humor

Categories
Satire

Pharmaceutical Companies Send Troop Surge to Secure Border

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Niagara Falls– The final contingent of private security contractors reported for duty today in Niagara Falls, joining nearly 50,000 troops already deployed along the Canadian-American border. Funded by an alliance of major drug manufacturers, the troops have formed a blockade, effectively sealing off Canada from the American population. John Doughfus, a spokesmen for pharmaceutical giant JonesSmithPixelMilesCough went on record saying, “We’re not just some multi-billion dollar corporation, we are also a legal citizen of this country, and we are concerned about the security of our borders. Don’t think of this as a business move, think of it instead as a international neighborhood watch, keeping our country safe from harm.”

Although no clarification was offered to explain what harm might threaten the security of the northern border, drug troops have so far confiscated several million dollars worth of inexpensive Canadian prescription medicines, terming them “threats to National Economic Security.” In response to questions of operational timelines and the eventual withdrawal of troops, Doughfus said, “It is far too early to talk about retreat. We are here to protect the American people and we will not leave until the threat is eliminated. To pull out now would send the wrong message to the insurgent forces of competition targeting the fragile American economy.”

This report is brought to you by:

The Institute for Public Privacy
“Guarding widely known secrets for longer than we are at liberty to discuss.”

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Categories
Commentary

The Biggest Secret of the Federal Reserve, Exposed!

Here it is boys and girls, the most sacred relic of macroeconomics, the Economy Fan.

economy fan

Handed down to Ben Bernake from Alan Greenspan, who received it in turn from the long succession of Fed chairmen all the way back to Thomas Jefferson, who confiscated it during a particularly nasty quarrel between the Masons and Templars.

Ignore all the talk about interest rates and percentages, the operation of the American economy is really very simple:

When the economy slows or starts to stagnate, turn on the Economy Fan.

If the economy starts moving too fast, turn it off.

Nothing could be easier. Another mystery solved, courtesy of the Ominous Comma.

Late Breaking News Note- There have been whispered suggestions regarding the addition of a rotary-type speed control for the Fan, in order to dial in more precise economic adjustments. Some have even gone so far as to speculate the possibility of wireless access to the Fan. However, sources deep inside the fiduciary community say that this is unlikely, claiming that the Fan is too crucial, and its workings too mysterious to risk any tampering or departure from the time-honored Rules of Operation handed down from antiquity. -The Editorial Staff of The Ominous Comma

Categories
Satire

CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint

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Chicago- Dynateknomatic CEO, Lance Corpuscle, resigned yesterday after holding the job for a little over forty-five minutes. He is scheduled to receive a $210 million severance package for what a Dynateknomatic spokesman called “his long commitment to this company.”

In a prepared statement this morning Corpuscle said “Even before I took the job, I was committed to the goals, traditions and large executive compensations of this company. It is truly a leader in its chosen field of doing whatever it is that it does”

In response to critics who contend that Corpuscle never executed anything during his brief tenure at the company, Dynateknomatic released a statement as well, stating that “A CEO’s very presence at a company emits strong leadership, lulls investors, and calms troubled markets. In this capacity, Mr. Corpuscle has added substantial value to this company.”

Corpuscle’s departure follows the two week reign of previous chief executive, John Capital. He will be replaced by James Newwhipple, current VP in charge of government subsidies. Newwhipple has also released a statement stating that his first task as CEO will be to track down where all the prepared statements go after being released, and also to discover the source of Dynateknomatic’s record-setting unprofitably.

This report has been brought to you by:

The Pan-Atlantic Commission on Global Flatulence
“Clearing the air on personal emissions since 2001”

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