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What The Promised Recession Means To You As An American

You have been bad.

Selfishly saving your money right when your economy needs it the most.

As a consumer you have been a huge disappointment to us all.

If you care anything about this country, get up right now, go to your nearest retail outlet, and buy until your cards will swipe no more.

After all, it is not your assets propping up the GNP.

Only ours.

,

Sincerely,

the Corporate Interests of America

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Coming soon. The next chilling installment of Buck-O-Quest, the internet’s most urgent humor series on the economy to ever visit this site.

Told you it would be soon. Select your next mind-watering Buck-O-Quest installment here:
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

Putting The Economy In Motion – Buck-O-Quest: Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of Buck-O-Quest,1 the surprisingly continuous series dedicated to the stumbling U.S. economy and what you as a potentially impacted citizen can do to recover yourself out from underneath its ominously descending bulk.

We will begin today’s missive with a conveniently timed letter from one of our concerned readers.

Dear author,

The economy is really getting me down. I’ve never had what you would call steady employment, but with this recession things have been harder for me than ever.

In happier times I could always supplement my income by liquidating the assets of local banks and liquor stores. But ever since I suffered a debilitating trebuchet accident I have been confined to my recliner, living at the mercy of a former cell-mate and an array of absorbent undergarments.

What can I do to help regain my financial independence?

Benchly Setward

Folding Chair, AR

Benchly,

You are not alone. The sudden sagging of economic indicators combined with the recent increase in catapult-based security systems has propelled a large number of former criminals into desperate financial straits.

Fortunately there are resources available for disabled felons like yourself, to assist you in your quest to put sizable chucks of U.S. currency back in motion.

Economic Mobility

A growing number of companies have entered the ambulation-impaired Armed Robbery Accessory Market. Some early product entries include: armor plated wheelchairs, gurney mounted chain guns, and specially trained safe-cracking robotic chihuahuas.

Between ever expanding merchandise offerings and special recession financing, I am confident that there is an affordable assault package right for you. With the help of your local medical arms dealer, you’ll be out terrorizing your neighborhood in no time.

—–

If you have questions for your author, it’s you own fault. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to get them off your chest by now. Still, it’s never too late to ask. Contact me at my slick and highly impressive contact page.

In the meantime, stick around. Not since last year’s Blogging Week have I had a train of thought travel so far without derailment. This could very well set a record. Or a precedent. Or possibly even a fire. So whatever you do, don’t miss the next ironon fortified serving of this profusely fact-starved series.

To receive my next stunning contribution to world literature in your email inbox click this link.

Or receive it in your favorite feed reader by clicking this one.

Or if you’re not up to that level of commitment, you can play the field of eligible Buck-O-Quest advices here:
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

  1. Okay, I admit that I had never given the series a name before this very moment, but due to the Orwellian possibilities of the internet, by the time you check the previous post, it will have been there the whole time.

Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket

The Fording Report:
A Herman Fording exclusive.

In a shocking, gratuitous, and hopefully award winning display of international impropriety, survivalist and blog-stalker Christopher NotSee, has confessed to assaulting the nation of Canada with former rap star M.C. Hammer.

French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies…

According to reliably verbose sources, NotSee, an ex-marine and serial commenter, propelled the aging performer into Canadian airspace with the assistance of a household trebuchet.

Hammer, best known for his brief fame and visually painful costumes, is rumored to have encountered NotSee while seeking assistance re-launching his stalled career. Sources close to the artist have been unavailable for comment, trapped deep in the gravity well of the artist’s pantsware.

…And dispose of clutter

French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies and dispose of clutter. Medieval propulsion specialist, Joseph Phlengham went on record saying, “This is just the sort of thing the trebuchet is made for, the real surprise is that no one thought of it sooner.”

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“Another Job Well Done.”

Although in diplomatic circles the lobbing of faded rap stars is considered a rude gesture, Canada is taking it well.

“Mr. Hammer is not the problem,” said Canadian Cultural Attaché, Marvin Bently, “We love him up here. His hit song Can’t Touch This has even been translated into French by the Ministry of Reproduction, so that every citizen can properly enjoy it. The uproar is strictly about his pants.”

Long the target of boycotts and sanctions, Hammer’s pants are indeed a problem, they are considered so detrimental to national self respect and diplomatic prestige that they have been deemed Trousers of Class Destruction.

Canadian officials are understandably reluctant to harbor a garment of such catastrophic potential but are uncertain how to contain the situation. “We’ve lost three weapons inspectors, four U.N. pantskeepers, and two-dozen news anchors to the slacks so far,” said Bently, “and frankly, we’re begin to worry about the trousers reaching critical mass. There is just no telling how many people could be in there.”

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The Only Known Pants With Their Own Event Horizon

This has been a Herman Fording special report, presented by the Dissociated Press.

We will keep you apprised of this Pulitzer-worthy situation as it unfolds.

Don’t miss Herman Fording’s last desperate attempt at journalism:
Cetaceans Strike Back – Terror From the Deep

Writing Prompts for the Not-So-Prompt

There comes a time in every blogger’s life when having answered every email, researched every YouTube video, and basically exhausted every imaginable resource, he finds himself1 in the desperate position of actually having to write.

If you are a stranger to the delightful world of wordcraft, perhaps spending your time on more respectable and rewarding occupations like say, Roadside Carcass Removal, you might believe that those who call themselves writers would have long ago resigned themselves to the fact that sooner or later they would be called upon to produce verifiable written material.

You would be wrong.Bratwacker ~ photo courtesy of DangerCouch.com

You see, being a writer is a lot like being a rock star: you are allowed, and even expected to dress funny, hold bizarre and often conflicting opinions, and basically act like an adolescent.

The act of writing, however, is a lot like work.

This is why the great majority of activities undertaken by writers, bloggers, and other content providers are specifically aimed at postponing the moment of creation as long as physically possible.2

However, once all contingencies of denial are exhausted, once the sheltering tissue of fantasy is punctured by the viscously barbed shafts of plummeting deadlines, an author simply has no choice but to buck up and write something.

Even if it is a note explaining why he can’t write.

A handwritten excuse for why the writer can't write

One time-honored tactic used to leverage reluctant writers into literary productivity is the writing prompt, a suggestion or hint used to startle the subconscious into an accidental discharge of useful ideas.

And, due to the kindness and generosity bestowed upon me as licensed internet resource, not to mention the fact that I can’t think of anything else to write, I have decided to share with you three of my most punctual prompts.

Start at the End

Determining how your tale will conclude can provide you, the author, with many useful clues on how to construct your story, such as who’s in it, if they’re me, and if we all end up in Acapulco.

An example of an excellent end-starting is this:

Slowly the blogger rose to the dais, glanced at his notes and began, “ I accept this lifetime blog achievement award, with generous cash prize, in the field of humorous quasi-fiction in name of all part-time writers, frustrated comics, and overlooked luminaries everywhere.”

The crowd combusted in an endless thunderclap of applause. As he returned to his seat he grinned a thoughtful little grin, Now I can afford that species change operation.

Start in the Middle

Just because many good stories begin in the middle doesn’t mean that yours can’t start there too. Jump right into the action. Boring chores like introduction and conclusion can be handled with flashbacks and time travel.

A modestly awesome example of this technique is:

So there I was surrounded by a ring of angry Pomeranians, their harsh growls rumbling like a thousand tiny leaf-blowers. Slowly they inched their way forward, constricting the circle around me step by step. Desperately, I searched my pockets for any shred of hope.
Coming up with lint, a gum wrapper and– A rush of excitement coursed through my limbic system– the enchanted chew toy!

Start at the Beginning

Starting at the beginning, while endorsed by many grammar schools and other educational afflictions, is in fact the surest sign of a true amateur. However, if you are feeling nostalgic for the heady days of young writing-love and its baseless optimism, feel free to revisit this technique. You will of course require a strong opening line, something that firmly grasps the reader‘s attention if not his entire nervous system.

Something like:

Of all the flatulence that has escaped all the colons in all the world, why did this one have to come from mine?

That’s It

explodetypewriter.gif courtesy of graph.slndesignstudio.comThere’s no time like the present to write, unless of course there is new material up at homestarunner.com. Or fresh road kill on the turnpike.

Keep those keys clicking and remember: when you fail to write, you only write to fail…to write…or something.

For more practical writing advice, see the fine folks at humorblogging.com

  1. I will be sticking with the masculine pronoun for the duration of this piece, not from any chauvinism or disrespect for female writers, but because in this case “the writer” is a thinly veiled reference to myself, a man of unquestionable maleness.
  2. The true reason that most writers have migrated from typewriters to computers is not because of the fancy formatting options and spell checkers available with modern software, but mainly due to the fact that typewriters had crummy games.

Six Ways to Fight Terrorism Using Only A Necktie

In today’s uncertain political climate, with the threat of terrorism coming in a wide spectrum of designer colors, it is more important than ever to be prepared for any eventuality. That’s why top experts like myself recommend never leaving your home without the safety and security of a properly worn necktie.1

A painfully tacky necktie that would send any terrorist into a quivering panic

Threat Level: Tacky

Although not widely known outside anti-terrorism-expert circles, the basic department store necktie is one of the best methods for combating terror and keeping the homeland in a most tranquil state of security.

My research, based on a careful and exhaustive review of action movies I’ve seen over the last ten years, shows that with courage, determination, and a convenient backstory of elite military training, even the most mundane looking individual can single-handedly save the world from the clutches of villainy.

So as yet another service of this surprisingly responsible publication, here is a list of ways that you can use your very own necktie to thwart the minions of terror:

As a Headband
Transitioning your neck-tie to headband position is the first step in any terror-stopping plan of action. It is the time-honored and chivalrous way to inform terrorists in the area that you don’t intend to calmly sit back and be savaged by their insidious box knives and nail clippers, but are quite willing to destroy half a city in order to ensure their destruction.

As a Sling
Since ancient times, the sling has been the preferred weapon for bringing down overpowering insurgent foes. To activate the latent tactical properties of your tie, follow the following instructions:

  • Find a stone or other small, dense object and place it in the center of your tie while holding both ends with the other hand.
  • Whip your stone/tie combination in circles above your head.
  • Once you are dizzy and out of breath, release one end of the tie and watch your flying stone incapacitate the enemies of freedom, or possibly the windows of freedom, depending upon you level of hand-eye-wrist-elbow coordination.

This technique is an invaluable way to subdue any forces of terror you may encounter at rock gardens, driving ranges, or any other location graced with ready supply of projectiles.

As a Firebomb Fuse
Although primarily known as an insurgent’s weapon, the Molotov Cocktail can prove useful for patriots as well. When fighting homeland-security threats in bars and liquor stores, insert your tie into a full bottle of high-proof alcohol, light your improvised fuse, and throw.

For best results, remove tie before activation.

As a Teardrop Absorber
In the course of your anti-terror heroics, you are bound to meet an overwhelmed and attractive member of the opposite sex, tearfully awaiting rescue by a intrepid insurgent-stopper like yourself. Use your tie to wipe away their tears and win their heart forever. With any luck, the two of you will hit it off and produce the next generation of freedom fighters.

As an Improvised Towel Fight Implement
The nightmare scenario of every counter-terror specialist is to be caught unarmed in a locker room by evil, towel-wielding insurgents. If you find yourself trapped in such a towel-fight of terror, simply remove your tie and snap away at any and all threats to the homeland.

Wetting the business end of your tie with saliva, or even the tears of your new soul-mate, will give best results and allow you to raise some serious Freedom Welts on the insurgently unwashed hides of your adversaries.

As a Hot Pad
As a good patriot, there is no telling when you may be called upon to remove Freedom Baked Potatoes from a hot oven for some important ceremonial function. Don’t let our enemies get the upper hand simply because you lack hot pads for this important task; use your neck-tie to safely transfer the golden tubers of liberty to the plates of waiting dignitaries and ensure freedom for one more day.

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As we’ve seen, nothing stands between the threat of imminent terror and our beloved homeland except you and your wardrobe.2

So be alert, avoid suspicious establishments like Terror R US, and whatever you do, dress defensively.

—–

This post is doing due diligence at humor-blogs.com

  1. Ladies, don’t think this fine, military-grade advice applies only to men. This is the 21st century and there is nothing stopping you from acquiring and attiring your very own freedom tie. The author has gone to great pronounal difficulty to render this article both gender and pH neutral, in order to ensure that each and every patriot clearly understands his/her/hiser/heris responsibility for homeland protection.
  2. “Wardrobe,” in this instance refers to the American usage of the word, meaning, “entire collection of clothing,” not the British usage meaning, “large wooden locker-thing we have to use because we forgot to build closets.”

    The only practical defense application for wardrobes of the second sort is to shove them in front of the door, or travel through them to a safer dimension populated by lions, minotaurs, and seriously agitated, PMS-ing magic-chicks.

Love Letters To A Manly Chunk Of Masculine Authorship

People sometimes ask me how long it takes to write these posts, and I always give the same truthful answer:

Too long.

I really don’t want to boast for more than a couple hundred words or so, but the work of a serious humorist is not easy, it requires persistence, dedication, and obscene quantities of coffee.

And once you make it out of bed, it gets even more challenging.

Anyway, all this laborious authorship tends to take a while, which sometimes tests the patience of my family. Especially since I can be difficult to contact while I am in my writing-trance. In fact, as I consult my pillowed dictionary, and practice my ritual snores, I am often mistaken for being asleep. Which of course is not the case, I am just concentrating.

Very, very deeply.

And frequently, as I return to a more mundane state of consciousness, I will find a communiqué from the lovely and ever gracious Hot Comma Momma, delicately reminding me of my household responsibilities.

Here is a collection of recent correspondence from Her Loyal Hotness:

Honey,
It sounds like that sasquatch got back into the basement again. The kids probably left the window open. Can you take care of it? I left the cattle prod and pepper spray on the kitchen table for you.

Love Always
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
Could you pick up your alien artifacts out of the living room? The girls are coming over tonight to watch some movies. You remember how upset you got last time when Debbie put the onion dip in the trans-dimensional electro-ponder.

Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The auto-cloner is acting up again. It’s putting out a puppy every hour and I’m running out of newspaper. Please see what you can do.

Lots of Love
-HCM

,,,,,

Honey,
The kids have been telling people that you died in an oil fire again. Perhaps you’re working too hard. Please talk to them. In person this time, no holograms. Remember, these are the days that we will always cherish. Good luck honey.

Love
-HCM

The Sad Family Barely Holding Themsleves Together ~ the Ominous Comma

“We have to be strong. Daddy wouldn’t want us to disgrace his memory by getting all blubbery.”

Honey,
There’s some government-looking men parked in a van outside the house. They’ve been out there all week so today I took them some sandwiches. They’re the nicest surveillance team yet.

So, is there anything you want to tell me?

Waiting Patently
-HCM

You’ll have to excuse me, all this writing has worn me out. I have to go concentrate again.

—–

This post is dosing off over at humor-blogs.com